His floppy hair and baggy, trendy-patterned-short-sleeved-button-down shirt didn’t scream serial killer

The smouldering looks and wide brimmed hats in his pictures… suggested that he was going to fit every stereotype I could mentally concoct of someone from LA

Francisco was half Brazilian and half Swiss but had gone to university, or school as he called it, in America. That’s three out of the seven continents covered in one sentence!

On a national level I was devastated to leave the single market. On a personal level I am even more devastated to be re-joining it.

I would like to clarify that the guys on either side of me were not mean or nasty people, they were just well brought up and nice.

Judging by his newfound beard, brightly patterned shirt and the rather shabby looking anorak he was wearing, this outing of self discovery had proved successful.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is the ideal location for the classier execution of the classic teenage cinema move of the yawn-stretch-put-your-arm-round-her.

Whoever said there was safety in numbers was clearly either exceedingly poly-amorous or did not intend for the phrase to be applied to dating.

I can only compare the first half an hour of the evening to a twelve year olds’ school disco but with a slightly classier assortment of crudités and humus rather than party rings and sausage rolls.

He did not want his culinary masterpiece of ostrich steaks, intended to carry them back to their evenings under the Sub-Saharan stars to be rudely interrupted by his bumbling baboon of a flatmate. Hint taken.

I therefore resigned myself to selflessly upholding the ‘No Sex’ part of this blog’s name… the ‘No City’ part of the title has proven harder to maintain.

Let me whisk you away with a tale of corruption, action and romance that all begins in the depths of the triad-run Orient…

Clever researchers have found out that there is a surge in dating app usage in the first month of the year through a combination of loneliness and optimism… I decided to cash in on the new meat and hit Tinder, Bumble and Happn hard.

Harun had clearly been taking tips from his neighbouring dater and kicked off by asking what animal I would like to be reincarnated as. An otter, obviously!

Groups of women sat giggling and cradling cosmos whilst the darker peripheries of the room contained single males, nursing beers and looking intently at their phones

Was this the guy who lived with his parents and their two spaniels or had this guy recently moved up to Cumbria and was living in a share house in Cockermouth? I was getting all my tinderees muddled up!

In an attempt to rectify their bachelor status, twelve guys decided to organise a BYOG dinner - Bring Your Own Girl. When the evening came, only three of them had actually managed to source members of the opposite sex.

The successful start to the date led into territory that had thus far been unchartered on my adventure… I suggested we had dinner.

I realised that in all his pictures Chris was either wearing sunglasses or too far away from the camera to tell what he looked like. How on earth was I going to recognise him without his disguise?!

No one is worth knowing unless they have graced the hallowed pages of Carlisle Living… a prime hunting ground for blog fodder.