Following the publication of my disastrous sojourn into the world of video dating, a pitying friend reached out from Australia. Far more successful in controlling the virus than the UK had been, their lock down had ended earlier than ours so he was already back in action and hitting the dating scene IRL. He reassured me that dating face to face was not always sunshine and roses. He had in fact, been on a date of his own the previous night. He tried to explain it to me but the story really needed to be read to be fully appreciated it in its full glory: messages, typos, quotes and all. He sent me a full written report of the evening that appeared to be too bizarre for words. Any attempt by me to retell it would only bastardise and diminish the firsthand experience so below, in it’s entirety, have a read of what will hopefully be the first of many reports from the Dater Analyst’s Australian correspondent:
Welcome to my WTF happened date.
Let me give you a bit of background to the evening: I matched with a guy on Grindr one night. As is the Grindr criteria, he was compatible; sexually of course. Let’s call this guy “Guy”.
We embarked on a conversation over the course of about two weeks without ever meeting (rare for Grindr, but understandable in the crazy COVID times we live in). During the course of our unconventional Grindr conversation, I discovered that Guy had also started life as a lawyer, he had then become partner of a law firm before deciding, last year, to do a Masters overseas. He was only in his early 30s. Guy had very recently moved back to Australia because he was going to start a new role here in Sydney - what a man, what a Guy!
I was interested - both because Guy seemed smart and together; but also, he was pretty damn cute. As the conversation went on, I discovered that Guy was actually from my home town (population about 3,000). In fact, his entire family had grown up there and many of them still lived there. I knew the family name but had never heard of nor met him. With so much mutual ground, we were pretty excited to meet each other and had decided on a Wednesday night date.
****** butterflies ********
Wednesday arrived and, with the latest easing of lockdown, bookings were essential. After being told earlier in the week (Monday) by Guy not to plan ahead and that we can sort it out on Wednesday, by Wednesday midday, I was nervous about finding somewhere with space. I messaged him and suggested we should make a booking because restaurants were only allowing ten people in at a time. Guy agreed that we should book but apologised that he was out to lunch with colleagues and wouldn’t have time to look so I went ahead and booked a restaurant. I sent Guy a message confirming that I had made a booking for 6:30pm at XYZ restaurant.
I’m afraid it all went downhill from here. At around 4pm, I got a message from Guy stating “I warn you just closer a deal so had drinks with the team” (sic). I understood what he meant: he had closed a deal and was out celebrating with his work team. I replied that I would probably not be as fun as I will be working right up until 6:30pm, but would join him for dinner/a drink then, as planned.
The downhill slope started to get dramatically steeper. By 5:30pm, I was trying to wrap up things with work in order to disembark up XYA street to the XYZ restaurant for my date. Guy sent me a message “I hate msging on this makes me feel like a high school kid” (sic). I understood his frustrations, messaging on apps can feel strange and clunky. I sent him my phone number so we could be in contact before the date.
Just before 6pm, Guy sends me a message “Where you at?” It was still half an hour before we were due to meet and I had been pretty explicit with the time and venue. Nevertheless, I let him know that I was finishing up my work, reiterated that the booking was at 6:30pm at XYZ and would leave soon to meet him there.
Guy replied “I’m worried”. I asked why he was worried. I got no reply and at 6pm had to take a work call. Whilst I was on the phone I got a missed call from Guy. Immediately after the missed call, Guy sent me a message “tried to call”, followed simply by “?”. I said to him that I hadn’t realised it was him calling (no contact info) and that I would be en route shortly. “Ugh … be a grown up” pinged back. I can only assume this was in reference to the fact I hadn’t answered his call. By this point, he was annoying me a little. I passive aggressively replied “I’m still working; enjoy your walk”.
Guy immediately replied to me “To where? … mate, tell me where”. By this stage, I was getting a little fed up and was also slightly confused. Guy had suddenly completely changed from Guy I was talking to all week to some other Guy (see why I named him Guy). I screen-shotted the two times I had clearly told him time and place of booking and sent them to him. Sassy? Possibly, but I felt he deserved it.
At 6:10pm, while I was walking up XYZ street, I received a call from Guy. His opening statement was “Why did you choose a restaurant so far from home?”. I was a little confused by this question. I explained, yet again, that there was still nothing open due to COVID-19 and that this was the only place I could get a spot (which was true). I asked him if that was the only reason he had called and he said “I am trying to figure out what kind of person I am dealing with tonight”. To be honest, I was starting to ask myself the same thing!
By 6:20pm Guy was back on the messages: “What’s going on … I’m waikrojg our front … Did I do something Ng wrong” (sic). I politely replied to him that he hadn’t done anything wrong (questionable) and that I was five minutes out. I was concerned that maybe he thought that I was ghosting him and, perhaps, this weird sequence of calls and conversations was because he was feeling a bit insecure about being stood up. I decided to message him and reassure that I really was nearly there and that there was a genuine booking at the venue that, if he was waiting outside, he should go in and take and I would be there in a few minutes.
His reply to this was astounding: “Nah I wasn’t worried just thought someone ugly was boring me”. This was when I was literally 20 meters from XYZ restaurant. It was too late to turn back but I did stop to compute this message before meeting whoever this Guy was in person. I replied “Huh?” But he did not respond. Instead he wrote “Spoke to staff this was a spited booking … anyways”
I arrived at XYZ restaurant with some reluctance but also half a mind to see what this, so far comical, night would bring. I also really wanted to know what he meant by “spited booking”! We exchanged what I guess were pleasantries and, being me, I immediately asked “what did you mean by spiteful booking?”. Guy looked a little confused, he opened his phone and looked at the message he had sent to me and clarified the wording: “Sorry, I meant stupid booking; this was a stupid booking”. Oh I see, that makes total sense then and an obvious message to send to someone five minutes before you meet them at said restaurant for a date. Once we have cleared up the issue of the message Guy admitted to me that he had just got into an argument with the staff downstairs.
Let’s backtrack…
Guy was standing outside the restaurant with a three-quarter full bottle of red wine in his hand - it was a miracle we were going to be allowed into the restaurant at all (but don’t worry; he later informed me that he had his 18th, 21st and 30th birthday parties at this venue and that his parents knew all the management - we were safe! Although apparently it was still a stupid booking?). Luckily Guy had managed to playoff his family connections to circumnavigate the issue of trying to bring his own booze into a licensed premises and they hadn’t thrown us out entirely. Guy was incredibly complimentary from the get go and I was relieved that it looked like I was going to be having dinner with the man I remembered from Grindr after all. The first thing he said when we got upstairs was “You are way more handsome than I thought; you look way prettier than your pics”. Oh Romeo.
We were taken to our table and, because I am so incredibly hot and leave people breathless (apparently), Guy needed to take a ten-minute break to…. Where the fuck did he go?! When he returned, I learned that this absolute gentleman had ordered us a Margherita. I can only assume that despite restaurants only allowing ten customers at a time, there had been a very long queue for the bar? I was in love - so thoughtful!
We sat down at the table, two peas in a literal pub pod (or booth). Things were moving so fast between us that the waiter hadn’t even had time to put down the menus before Guy, being the forward thinker that he is, stated that I was gorgeous and that he thought we should definitely take the bottle of wine he had been forced to leave outside and continue to hang out after dinner at my place. Luckily, he had been updating his calendar this week and proceeded to inform me that he had a house inspection the following morning but, except for that, I had him until 10am tomorrow (WINK) - O Captain, my Captain. Unfortunately, being a prude, I pushed back and informed him that I was not comfortable with that suggestion, nor the implication of sex.
Poor Guy got really upset, so upset he actually got up from the table and left for another ten minutes. In the meantime, I ordered some pizza; yum! Guy returned a changed man – the alteration was so extreme I thought it was probably best not to ask what had taken place in the lengthy interval. He told me that I should order some wine and we should get drunk; YAY!! So I did, with no intention of getting drunk. It was a work night.
Guy had managed to develop a newfound sense of calm and appeared to no longer be driven purely by his genitals. He asked me my life story so I started talking about our hometown and my family, BUT …
… Guy cut me off. It transpired as this rather one-sided conversation developed, that Guy had looked me up online. I mean, it’s something we all do pre-date but there is an unwritten rule that you never admit to it! Guy was apparently best mates with a very senior person at the law firm I work for (no joke, they lived together). He started telling me about how he could “make me” in the industry and how I should use his connections. The next part of the conversation was a bit more intense; apparently, he had told him mum about this date and she had said that she wants him to get married, wants it to be a nice local boy and then he said that she would buy a house for him and I if we got married. This explained a lot, it would appear that insanity is hereditary.
Guy spent about twenty-five minutes talking about money, connections and how he is desperate to find a smart, nice guy to marry. He then took a breath and asked why I wasn’t impressed (apparently it was written on my face). He asked me what I was looking for. Well, he had asked, so I was honest - I said that I am not impressed by money or connections. If I am on a date with someone, it is to find out who they are. Because that is what will impress me. Guy loved this and he absolutely understood it. To show how much he understood what I had said to him, he decided to let me in on a little secret…
So Guy said that he had been dating someone the last few weeks (“a hot lil’ 25 year old guy”). Apparently, this guy went to the same school as me and knew who I was. Guy informed me that he had said to his date/friend/prodigy that he had reservations about seeing me. When he told his date/friend/prodigy about the fact he was thinking of meeting me though, this guy (not Guy guy, the other guy) had said that I was nice, smart and good looking and that he should absolutely go on a date with me. Even when Guy mentioned his name I had no idea who this man was but I thanked him … I guess?
Guy then very thoughtfully informed me that he would prefer to date me over this other date/friend/prodigy he was currently dating because, apparently, I am what he has been looking for? What a relief! I was starting to warm to this topic and finding the whole scenario totally bizarre but rather entertaining I decided to open Pandora’s box - I asked Guy what his reservations were? Guy couldn’t answer and proceeded to tell me that I was way better than in my pictures. I couldn’t believe it, Guy just got me, he really knows what makes me happy already.
The pizza finally arrived and I was praying that Guy would just eat some pizza and finally chill the fuck out. Guy only ate one slice and he managed to get half of it on his forehead. God only knows how. Anyway, during the course of my solitary eating (I ate over a whole pizza, I ain’t shy) he kept asking me to look into his eyes so he could see if I was serious, huh? I discovered it is very hard to look into someone’s eyes and look serious when you can tell the person’s eyes are struggling to focus and they have tomato sauce smeared across their forehead.
He opened his mouth to speak and I just knew his next words were going to be deeply romantic. “You are twenty-seven, right?”. I replied that yes, I was. Guy said “You are gay, twenty-seven and living in Sydney. How is it that I don’t know you yet?” I didn’t reply but I could think of one or two good reasons. Anyway, whilst I was eating Guy decided that he should scooch on round to my side of the table and aggressively move in for a kiss. I pushed him away and explained that I was sorry but that maybe we had slightly different views on how the date was going. Guy wasn’t happy. In fact, he was so unhappy he had to leave for another ten-minute time out.
I enjoyed his absence. It gave me time to savour the wine and have a giggle with the girl who was sitting on the table near me who was clearly observing all of this and finding it equally hilarious. It was also a relief to have a break from the intensity of whatever it was that was going on. When he returned the poor Guy looked defeated. Whatever his mini ten-minute mission was, it had clearly proven unsuccessful.
When Guy sat back down, he immediately apologised and pretended to accept an urgent phone call. He was drunk and I was sober, so I could clearly see that he had actually dialled the number, smooth. Anyway, he was speaking to a friend/business colleague and they discussed having closed a deal this evening worth over $1 million. They were both very elated - you go GUY (patting myself on the back again for some brilliant naming, arguably the highlight of the entire encounter). When he hung up, Guy proceeded to inform me that the friend he was talking to was a Government Minister. Guy told me that he was actually planning on leaving the date to go and catch up with him. The alternative, he informed me, was that he would continue to hang out with me for a drink somewhere more private. I declined.
Guy then said that I should come meet the Minister and we could have fun. I wasn’t sure what that meant but, given the events of the night, I was not willing to give it a try. It sounded like a scandalous tabloid expose in the making. I politely, again, said that I really would prefer if we just went for a drink on the weekend.
Guy got upset and said that tonight was a waste of time and that, clearly, I had made my mind up about him already. He got up and put his jacket on. He walked over to my side of the table and asked again if I wanted to come to his office (sorry what, his office?). I said no. I told Guy to sit back down. Our reservation was for another 45 mins and if he honestly just wanted to chat with me, we could sit here and finish our wines. He left.
I sat back, enjoyed a funny smile/moment with the girl opposite me who had been enjoying this as much as I had and decided I would just finish the wine and the food by myself for the remaining forty-five minutes. I felt like an exasperated parent who had finally managed to get the kids to bed and could now relish the peace and quiet.
I feel it goes without saying that obviously Guy had left me to foot the bill, despite his new-found wealth from such a lucrative deal. That wasn’t the end of if though. The conversation that took place over messages when Guy left was almost comical:
Guy:
“I give up”
“That was so weird”
“I tried”
“I niqab red to he with you”
“I wasted my night”
“What’s a miming waste”
Me:
“Maybe next time you shouldn’t say “just thought someone ugly was boring me” just before I meet you and turn up to the date drunk?”
Guy:
“I give up”
“I’ll find someone else”
“It’s fine”
Me:
“Haha – honestly, please don’t read these messages tomorrow.”
“I’m dumbfounded. If you want to have a drink another time; that’s fine; but I think tonight was doomed.”
Guy:
“I give up”
“Come for a drink you guys”
“I’m at my office”
“You left men”
“Me”
“Lachlan has wanted go hand c” (assuming that wasn’t a message for me?)
“I’m not drunk”
“I give up”
“Fine”
“I tried”
“bye”
“I tried”
Me:
“Are you even reading my messages?”
Guy:
“You people are useless”
“I’m getting a train now”
“Call me in 15 mins”
“otherwise”
“I’m being taken for granted”
“This is useless”
“I’ll talk to you in the future”
Me:
“There seems to have been a real shift between [Guy] that last few days vs [Guy] tonight; let’s just chat tomorrow”
Guy:
“It’s all good go have you’re fun”
“Tonight made me not interested”
“Have fun”
“buy mate”
I honestly don’t know why I persevered but I still didn’t want to completely give up on the Guy who I had been chatting to pre-date. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and possibly see him again when he hadn’t been drinking solidly for the five hours prior.
Me:
“Look, I honestly don’t understand this tonight … but that’s ok. We must just have very different views on what a first date is. Talk to me tomorrow. I feel it’s an unproductive convo tonight.”
Guy:
“I was so excited for a. First date"
“I gave up”
“It’s fine”
“I give up tryin”
Me:
“You turned up smashed; you called me ugly before I turned up and then you left me to foot the bill… reflect on that tomorrow and the read through these messages and the fact I have afforded you the benefit of the doubt for another drink next week; and maybe reply (if you so choose). You said you wanted a smart guy; this was a dumb move.”
No more convos.
******
Fin